Except When
by GraySkyeMourning
Summary: Even a Jedi Knight does not always believe. A CloneWars story


**Title: **Except When…

**Summary: **Even a Jedi Knight does not always believe.

**Timeframe: **Clone-Wars

**Characters: **Jedi Knight Syfer Helis (OC)

**A/N: **Syfer Helis and Njuan Tali are two OCs who will be appearing soon in a totally OC fic of mine. This is their first appearance in any story, so I hope you like them.

This is in response to the Quotations Roulette Challenge on tfn by **vaderincarnate. **Elli, you kill me. The challenge was to pick a quote at random and write a fic to it.

-----

**Except When…**

_Who loves, believes the impossible. -- Elizabeth Barret Browning_

As Jedi, we are taught to believe in the impossible.

Anything, it has been said, is possible with the Force. Why shouldn't it be? The Force flows through us, connects us, aids us in ways sometimes we don't even see. As Jedi, we are meant to see these things, that the impossible is possible.

But of course, there are always the doubters. There are the non-Jedi, the ones who see our actions as nothing more than charades, or silly little magic tricks. They choose to believe that the Republic's belief in our abilities is less than supported. They choose to see that our belief in the Force and what it causes it impossible.

I am one of those doubters.

Yes, I am a Jedi Knight. Yes, I was raised in the Temple. Yes, I had a Master and have gone before the Council many times. I have seen the ways of the Force; I have carried out many missions in the name of the Republic. I am, in every way, a Jedi Knight.

Except I am one of those who do not really believe.

I think maybe I'm wrong when I say I'm a doubter. I really, in every sense, am wrong. I am a Force-wielder, a Knight of the Jedi. I know the power of the Force, the ways in which I can manipulate it to meet my needs. I also know the ways the Force uses to manipulate _me _to serve _its _needs.

For the most part, I'm okay with that. For the most part, I am not a doubter.

Except when I am. Except when I lose control.

All Jedi know of the technique known as Penumbra. Penumbra as a word alone means uncertainty, as cloudiness. It's meaning, however, is different when used by the Jedi as the technique of Penumbra. To Jedi, it means the loss of the control, and the gaining of control.

When Jedi undergo Penumbra, they become a vessel. An empty, non-existent vessel without a mind. A body, a heart, but no sense of meaning or time. This technique happens when the Jedi chooses to, or when the Force intervenes.

Yes, the Force intervenes when the Jedi allows it. Penumbra happens when we as Jedi become the ultimate Jedi, a totally empty slate the Force controls.

I don't actively participate in Penumbra. I was not trained that way. My master was Njuan Tali.

Master Njuan Tali, for those keeping score, may very well go down in legend as one of the most radical Jedi ever to grace the Temple halls.

Master Tali did not believe in Penumbra, and taught his apprentice to not trust it entirely either.

I am Jedi Knight Syfer Helis. I was trained by Njuan Tali.

Master Tali was a radical. I know that now, but at the time of my apprenticeship, I was blissfully unaware of the gravity of the situation. I'm glad I was unaware. The Council watched my master's every move. Such scrutiny, I'm afraid to say, would have most certainly tripped me up.

Jedi are taught to believe impossible things, and I do, to some extent. I believe that one day I will join the Force an become an empty vessel, losing my full self. That does scare me. I value my individuality, the thought of doing as I please.

As long as it pleases the Force.

Master Njaun refers to me as the "complex syndrome." I refer to him as an old bat, but of course I have never said it to his face, but there's the comparison.

For I love the Force, yet I doubt its majesty. I do not like Penumbra. I do not like to lose myself.

We are odd beings, us Jedi. We believe in many things, in many traditions and honors. We believe in the Force.

Except when we don't.

Except when we say we don't love, when we say we are perfect palettes for the Force to write upon.

Because to be a Jedi, to carry that honor, is to love the Force enough to be able to live to serve it.

I am a doubter, and I don't believe in the impossible.

Except I'm not, and I do.


End file.
